The Jedi Upanishads

The Jedi Upanishads are books of holy scripture granted to inspired memebers of the Jedi Council to know the truth behind this life. Usually set as conversations betwixt student(s) and teacher(s), these passages contain some of the most pure, correct, and not-totally-made-up-on-the-spot knowledge in all of the modern world. Charlie fully condones the study and following of the Upanishads.

Passage One: Of Wives and Other Matters
 The fat squirrel was partaking of the governor's mad wife. Expidiently, he shot into the closer to change ammo for his wife. Extra-terrestrial scooters reigned over the beautiful world of Blargenslorvientia's wife. Jungles are too sexy to have wives with hotness.

 "I extrapolated _____________ my wife. Dismemberment only applies when hypocrisy affects watermelons," said Fatty Juno Squorrelioso. "If," Juno said, “Skateboarding was restricted four-score and seven assassins before Ezio, then endoplasmic chicks would be angered from excessive use of petroleum.”

 “Sacreblieu!” said the Pope’s Deoxyribonucleic Computer. “How in Blargenslorvientia’s Wife would an extra-terrestrial bunny fish catch zelotious Chinese Jews?!”

 “Well, you see,” said she, “amphibious bookshelves tend towards wonkerism in mainland countries, albeit only artificially when incorruptible, incompetent Brooklynese Nazis despair to hear my thunder.”

 “Frig, I’m populating like a detainment boy unleashed upon overloaded battalions of scavengers,” complained the Pope’s Computer, “extorting tildes of bloodrushed evolutionaries thrust into a ciphered metabolism.”

 Fatty Juno snarled, “Well, paradoxical, political penguines choose harbinging PCs to eating bourgeoisie during harvest.”

            Therefore, we hereby conclude that wives enjoy homologous partaking of havens for nuclear watermelons. If only Pope’s skeleton consumed the aberration of General Tzou.

Passage Two: Shia La'Beouf, Actual Cannibal Wielding An Axe - The Musical
 A twirley desk blasphemed about Eurocanadian monks located around Mongolia's mini-skirt. Cultist Mentor presents " Shia La'Beouf: Actual Cannibal, Wielding An Axe! The Musical!"

 Shia La'Beouf: Actual Cannibal, Wielding An Axe

 The Musical

 Act 1; Scene 1

 (First song, introduces Shia)

 Shia <span style="font-family:Helvetica;color:#3A3A3A;border:nonewindowtext1.0pt; mso-border-alt:nonewindowtext0in;padding:0in">: I walk down the street and what do I see?

<p class="MsoNormal" style="orphans:auto;text-align:start;widows:auto; -webkit-text-stroke-width:0px;word-spacing:0px"><span style="font-family: Helvetica;color:#3A3A3A;border:nonewindowtext1.0pt;mso-border-alt:nonewindowtext0in; padding:0in">[ chorus ]: People scattering from cannibal me!

<p class="MsoNormal" style="orphans:auto;text-align:start;widows:auto; -webkit-text-stroke-width:0px;word-spacing:0px"> Shia : I'll grab your shoe, shove it down your gullet!

<p class="MsoNormal" style="orphans:auto;text-align:start;widows:auto; -webkit-text-stroke-width:0px;word-spacing:0px"> [ <u style="white-space:pre-wrap">chorus ]: He'll kill you with an axe; he's never used a bullet!

<p class="MsoNormal" style="orphans:auto;text-align:start;widows:auto; -webkit-text-stroke-width:0px;word-spacing:0px"> <span style="font-family:Helvetica;color:#3A3A3A;border:nonewindowtext1.0pt; mso-border-alt:nonewindowtext0in;padding:0in">Shia <span style="font-family:Helvetica;color:#3A3A3A;border:nonewindowtext1.0pt; mso-border-alt:nonewindowtext0in;padding:0in">: If you see me coming your way, ohh, you better drop to your knees and pray!

<p class="MsoNormal" style="orphans:auto;text-align:start;widows:auto; -webkit-text-stroke-width:0px;word-spacing:0px"> [ <u style="font-style:inherit;font-weight:inherit;white-space:pre-wrap">chorus/Shia ]: Oh, he's/ Oh, I'm Shia La'Beouf (Oo-ah) (x2)

<p class="MsoNormal" style="orphans:auto;text-align:start;widows:auto; -webkit-text-stroke-width:0px;word-spacing:0px"> Brooklynese Guy : Hey kid, come over here, there's something I must show you! I'll grab your arm, break your back! Now you can touch your toes!

<p class="MsoNormal" style="orphans:auto;text-align:start;widows:auto; -webkit-text-stroke-width:0px;word-spacing:0px"><span style="font-family: Helvetica;color:#3A3A3A;border:nonewindowtext1.0pt;mso-border-alt:nonewindowtext0in; padding:0in">(Drum solo)

<p class="MsoNormal" style="orphans:auto;text-align:start;widows:auto; -webkit-text-stroke-width:0px;word-spacing:0px"><span style="font-family: Helvetica;color:#3A3A3A;border:nonewindowtext1.0pt;mso-border-alt:nonewindowtext0in; padding:0in">Ya'welcome!

<p class="MsoNormal" style="orphans:auto;text-align:start;widows:auto; -webkit-text-stroke-width:0px;word-spacing:0px"> [ <u style="white-space:pre-wrap">chorus+Shia ]: (starts at a whisper, crescendo) Shia La'Beouf! Oo-ah. Shia La'Beouf! Oo-ah!

<p class="MsoNormal" style="orphans:auto;text-align:start;widows:auto; -webkit-text-stroke-width:0px;word-spacing:0px"> Traveler : What's wrong with this town? It's covered in red, not a person in sight.

<p class="MsoNormal" style="orphans:auto;text-align:start;widows:auto; -webkit-text-stroke-width:0px;word-spacing:0px"> Townmember : Don't you know why?

<p class="MsoNormal" style="orphans:auto;text-align:start;widows:auto; -webkit-text-stroke-width:0px;word-spacing:0px"> Traveler : Well, no.

<p class="MsoNormal" style="orphans:auto;text-align:start;widows:auto; -webkit-text-stroke-width:0px;word-spacing:0px"> Townmember : It's because of-

<p class="MsoNormal" style="orphans:auto;text-align:start;widows:auto; -webkit-text-stroke-width:0px;word-spacing:0px"> [ <u style="font-style:inherit;font-weight:inherit;white-space:pre-wrap">chorus+Townsmember ]: Shia La'Beouf! Oo-ah. Shia La'Beouf! Oo-ah! Shia La'Beouf! Oo-ah!

<p class="MsoNormal" style="orphans:auto;text-align:start;widows:auto; -webkit-text-stroke-width:0px;word-spacing:0px"> Shia : I'm the actual cannibal! Mother! Me! Shia La'Beouf

<p class="MsoNormal" style="orphans:auto;text-align:start;widows:auto; -webkit-text-stroke-width:0px;word-spacing:0px"> [ <u style="font-style:inherit;font-weight:inherit;white-space:pre-wrap">chorus ]: (joins) Shia La'Beouf! Oo-ah!

<p class="MsoNormal" style="orphans:auto;text-align:start;widows:auto; -webkit-text-stroke-width:0px;word-spacing:0px">

<p class="MsoNormal" style="orphans:auto;text-align:start;widows:auto; -webkit-text-stroke-width:0px;word-spacing:0px">


 * Note: This Upanishads also contains the rest of the script of the play, but only the introduction and first song are widely known and read as cannon scripture.

<h2 class="MsoNormal" style="orphans:auto;text-align:start;widows:auto; -webkit-text-stroke-width:0px;word-spacing:0px">Passage Three: Flabberdubagabnab's Sweater Simmering softly, John Flabberdubagabnab was decimating Derek's Muslim mansion's husband with the Big Frying Pan. Flabberdubagabnab's mansion hated speaking Jewish with the nuclear triggermen; they never ever ever... sweater. Suddenly, seventeen Germanies laid bombs which were actually mobile, just like chicken eggs. Two-thirds of child slaves licked my big, fat shoe.

"Shut that freaking door, and Han is shooting all children!' said Fat Juno Squirrelioso.

"I frankly declare that you should bloody go die. Oh, and I love you," exclaimed the Pope's Deoxyribonucleic Computer.

"Liar! You shall join us, for  we   are   LEGION! " said Sally the Clearly-Demonic-Decomposing-Dirtbag-Dingerdonger, or Sally the Clearly DDDD, for short. Or Sally the DDDDonger, for less short.

"Go! You are an abomination of lasagna! Unnatural presevatives are so last 2013!" complained Fat Juno, "Your montages can't even play 'Carry On My Wayward Son'! How the dare?!"

The Pope's Computer started, "Why is carb-"

"Irrelevant!" screamed Juno. "I sat twice... ever."

"You reek of idiot, Jew, and Monday," exclaimed Sally the DDDDonger, for less short.